Overcoming as HSP

credit to its rightful owner


Learning To Thrive: What You Need

accumulated years of training in trying overcome the trait because you don't fit in with society. And yet being Highly Sensitive is a vital part of you.

• How to make decisions rationally rather than emotionally
• How to ask for what you truly want, and how to say "no" to what you don't want in your life
• How to effectively handle relationships, both with other HSPs and non-HSPs, including family, co-workers, and romantic relationships
• How to improve your communication skills — how to negotiate with love, rather than intimidate with fear or seduce with guilt

regular self-care, meaningful work, and supportive relationships. Working with a sensitive coach or therapist who helps you tune into your own magnificent inner guidance system your sensitivity is a powerful means of support.

learning how to stay centered in a stressful, highly emotionally charged world.

Since emotions such as fear, anger, and frustration are energies, you can potentially “catch” them from people without realizing it.
If you tend to be an emotional sponge, it’s vital to know how to avoid taking on an individual’s negative emotions or the free-floating kind in crowds.

Another twist is that chronic anxiety, depression, or stress can turn you into an emotional sponge by wearing down your defenses. Suddenly, you become hyper-attuned to others, especially those with similar pain.

I always felt overwhelmed, exhausted around large groups of people, though I was clueless why. “What’s the matter with you?” friends would say, shooting me the weirdest looks. All I knew was that crowded places and I just didn’t mix. I need about 5 hours alone time to every 2 hours spent out in the world.

I’d go there feeling just fine but leave nervous, depressed, or with some horrible new ache or pain. Unsuspectingly, I was a gigantic sponge, absorbing the emotions of people around me.

suffer from chronic fatigue. It’s likely that many of them are emotional sponges.

the best we can do is to try to keep up with things or handle whichever is most urgent at the moment. These streams of events then shape our lifestyles and, as a result, the time-consuming and energy-draining impact of our fast-paced culture goes ignored or unnoticed.

more overwhelmed, paralyzed and energy drained than most people because of our sensitivity.

we may feel so bombarded with these outside influences that we feel like we have no options, can see no options, even forgetting that options exist. Then we feel that we are stuck in whatever situation we may find ourselves, immobilized and depressed. We may even forget to breathe deeply enough for our body to function optimally.

Instead, we express our unconscious fears that say "be thankful for what you have", "this relationship is better than no relationship", or "this job is an improvement over the last job I had."

"There is a reason this person is in my life," or "I have this boss, these parents, children because it is an opportunity to grow or to learn something." Or how about, "I am building soul strength, releasing karma, or going through a spiritual initiation that is taking me several lifetimes."


this kind of evaluation can be very helpful after one is no longer stuck in a situation. It is totally possible to be going through a soul transformation that needs time to cook long enough before the person can come out of the stew pot. In this kind of process, infinite patience is required while the soul restructures or reorganizes itself.

Sensitive people in particular are very much in tune with other people's feelings. Consequently we are very adept at imagining how painful it would be to them if we asked for what we really would like. Rather than risk hurting anyone, giving what has been expected of us all these years has, in a sense, been a much more peaceful approach.

"No one has ever been disappointed with me, not even myself." You may have created the perfect home, family or social position that everyone admires, but inside you are just plain tired from all this effort in behalf of everybody else.

staying stuck is actually a way of feeling secure or comfortable

If we are avoiding conflict, we simply create more inner conflict because our truth isn't spoken or expressed.


Highly Sensitive People and Shame

Shame can be seen in you when you want to hide, disappear, or even say you want to die, as if you are a thoroughly bad person. You hang your head or hunch down, sagging your shoulders. You can’t look anyone in the eye. Why? You believe you are rotten to the core. No one should want to be around you.

serve to keep us in good standing within a group, punishing us brutally for the slightest imagined wrong doing.

Guilt is milder in that you feel you have done something bad, not that you are bad.

It may seem that you can fix it or hope to be forgiven. Even if not, guilt does not have that sense of finality. Which you feel depends on the situation--most of us feel shame, not guilt, if we vomit in public for example.

being careful, observing before acting.
conscientious anyway, do not want to hurt others, and can see ahead to the long-term consequences of what we do. In short, we come wired to sense better what might evoke shame and inhibit whatever impulse we might have that would lead to it.


How We All Avoid Shame, at All Costs

Because shame is so painful, people rarely feel it, even HSPs.

Sometimes we blame others: “I didn’t do anything wrong--he was wrong.” Or people minimize their role: “I wasn’t really trying” or “that wasn’t really part of my responsibilities.” They claim not to care: “I just don’t give a damn what other people think.” Or they make themselves seem above shame: “That really does not apply to me--I’m beyond all that,” although that may require someone else feeling inferior: “I can’t believe you are so upset by this.”

HSPs can use all of these self-protections, but I think we resort more to avoiding the need for these tactics by not doing anything shameful in the first place. We adapt to what others want. We try to be perfect, make no errors, are always generous. We overachieve so that no one can say we haven’t tried or succeeded.

Alas, this carefulness often leads to very constricted lives. We hardly realize it because at least we are not feeling bad due to shame. We are also not being spontaneous, genuinely warm and loving, or much of anything else. We are not reaching out for what makes us happy, or even remembering what makes us happy. But at least we are not feeling ashamed, until we realize this and then feel ashamed of this too.


So Many Reasons to Feel Ashamed

• Looking different, including dressing wrong or strangely.
• Not conforming, being out of step.
• Being personally rejected as a friend or from a group for your personality or style.
• Being defeated or failing.
• Being “overly” enthusiastic and then being “shot down.”
• Misjudging a situation by being too informal.
• Being “overly” emotional (“don’t be a cry baby; you take things too “personally”).
• Being “too” suggestible (“It’s all in your head” or “why did you listen to him?”)
• Being “too” stressed (“Can’t you just relax?”).
• Looking foolish, awkward, or lacking confidence.
• Lying, stealing, or betraying another.
• Injuring another.
• Not controlling a bodily function or impulse, from failing to use the toilet to not picking your nose.
• Being addicted.
• Being sexually betrayed by a lover or spouse.
• Not trying hard enough, being lazy.
• Not being brave (whatever that meant to those around you).

What Do You Do About Shame?

Empower yourself. Conquer your fears. Love yourself. Have higher self-esteem. Stop being self-conscious. Get over shyness. And when you can’t do it, guess what? You feel ashamed.

good place to begin overcoming unnecessary shame is to think about it, hard. Uncover it in yourself, free of all of your ways of avoiding it. When did you first feel deep shame? The very first time you remember? Often that is what you still feel most fearful of doing. Think about when you felt it most strongly and who made you feel it. What was most shameful in your family, among your friends, and right now among the people you know?

What emotions seem most shameful to you--being sad or crying, being afraid or anxious, anger, enthusiasm, curiosity? Pride? Being depressed so that you “bring people down”? Or there may be others.
Then consider how you have set up your life to avoid doing these specific things. What parts of you have been turned off? Your animal self? Your funny self? The part of you that knows what makes you happy? The part of you that sets boundaries and says “I’ve had enough of this”?

Another thing to consider is whether you are free of shame when you are alone. If not, try being in nature and thinking about your animal self and its impulses. Think of other animals. When they do what you feel ashamed of, do you find their behavior shameful? Can you accept that you do have instincts, and even if you decide to suppress them, they are not bad?

Talk about the general feeling of shame with others. Often we each feel that only we are truly, truly bad. But if we all feel it, most of us must be wrong.

more conscious of shame and how unreasonable it often is, or conditioned by a culture that wants certain things out of us. As we grow older and wiser, maybe we can give the culture, the groups we live in, and all of those imagined critics from the past most of what they expect from us, but without quite so much sacrifice of our souls.


This hyper-awareness to their environment makes HSPs cautious. Any kind of change can be difficult. They are not known for their rush actions. They foresee the consequences of words and actions. HSPs can feel happy in their hearts on a joyous occasion but are unable to express it. They are seen as inhibited or unsociable. They do not like social situations and prefer having deep intimate conversations with someone one on one.
Rather than forcing themselves to fit in and be more outgoing, HSPs need to learn to appreciate their sensitivity in less stimulating ways. Developing boundaries for safety and comfort becomes important. If they are sensitive to bright fluorescent lights, chemical odors or certain kinds of people, HSPs need to use their creativity to find ways to avoid such stimuli.

HSPs often try to hide themselves. They rarely appreciate that many other people also have these same traits. Sharing quiet meals and talking about spiritual matters can become intimacy heaven. Accepting that they really do enjoy long walks in nature, rather than tennis matches, alleviates stress.

Their tendency towards withdrawal presents unique difficulties in relationships. HSPs turn inwards for protection against what they are experiencing. Relationships of mutual respect provide a safe, consistent haven of acceptance. HSPs must be wary of being people-pleasers. A lack of self-esteem can turn into a habit of satisfying the needs of the other person. They can end up feeling overwhelmed and alone in a relationship they cannot let go of.

A sensitive person's ability to pick up subtle cues and ambivalence in the unconscious processes of the other can affect communication in relationships. Even though they can tune into what is going on, they either can't say it, or they blurt out a negative judgment. At these times, they are acting out their own past experiences of being humiliated for their sensitivities. The way out of this dilemma is to become more conscious of their habitual reactions and to take more time out to be alone. They need partners to accept this strategy. They may require an entire night's sleep to be clear enough to express how they feel about an issue.

HSPs appreciate intimacy. They actually prefer talking about their feelings and spirituality but often believe no one else is interested. An open and sharing relationship - preferably with another HSP - can be of great benefit in providing awareness of what does and doesn't work. This applies to both the spiritual-social areas and the physical body.

Entertainment and excitement is not what holds a sensitive relationship together. HSPs are more interested in deepening their self-awareness and never become bored of listening to their partner's dreams. A sensitive partner will notice subtle changes in the other's mood or behavior.

Stimulating substances such as alcohol, coffee, sugar and junk food can be highly toxic to an HSP. Diets need to be tailor-made and regularly modified. There are no right diets that sensitive people can follow permanently. Their level of sensitivity is anything but static and rigid. It requires a change in attitude to accept the fascinating refinement process continually being experienced by their body/mind/spirit. Generally, simple, frequent meals work best.

Maybe you have a spiritual consciousness. You may enjoy being alone but you may have also felt like a loner or an outsider. As with many of us you may consider yourself to be quiet, shy or timid. Possibly you see yourself as introverted or uncomfortable in social situations. There are also socially extroverted individuals who find it hard to fully acknowledge their sensitivity traits.

You have tried to be strong, aggressive or always up and out there, but it never seems to work the way it does for other people. Your intuition tells you that you are self-responsible, and that you seem to know as much as the others do most of the time. Although others see you as reserved, deep inside you have a capacity to care passionately about people and the planet.